Overtime

SPORTS EDITOR

Published: Thursday, February 25, 2010

Updated: Friday, February 26, 2010 20:02

So you think you can be an Olympic athlete?

The bad news is that almost any sane individual would say you have no shot.

Lucky for you, though, I’m not sane. I’m here to tell you how you’re going to bring home gold in 2014.

Now, you may want to compete in the Summer Games; but let’s be honest, you have no shot.

You are never going to run like Usain Bolt or swim like Michael Phelps. Even that discus thing looks pretty tough.

Basically, you have no chance to physically compete in the Summer Olympics. However, there are always the Winter Games.

We have to immediately eliminate skiing, snowboarding, hockey and figure skating; the first three because, like the summer events, they are too difficult for you, and figure skating because I do not want to be involved in those shenanigans.

So that leaves us with speed skating, bobsled, luge and curling. Even though I have never actually seen anyone speed skate (or even a speed skate itself for that matter), it looks pretty difficult.

I don’t think you are going to be able to pick that up overnight.

But that’s okay, we have options.

Bobsled and luge basically fall into the same category. Like speed skating, I do not think many people actively participate in these activities.

In fact, I have no idea where you could even find a course to practice either of these events.

Also, after watching the luge over the past week, these guys do not exactly strike me as dominant athletes. I do not see a LeBron James in the luge community.

Now we may be close to finding something for you.

With that said, not to make light of last week’s tragedy involving the Georgian luger, but that whole incident probably means this event is harder than it looks.

Also, with the speed they race at, they’re borderline insane. I think we should stay away from that one.

Either that, or the athletes have little control over their luge or sled.

Better to play it safe, and nothing can be safer than curling (I hope you were all able to catch curling last week. It may not exactly be the most impressive display of athleticism; however, it takes comedy in sports to a new level).

Quite frankly, anyone can curl with enough practice. I don’t think I have ever met anyone who has curled in their life and I refuse to believe this sport even exists outside of Canada.

I do not see the same kind of competition to be an Olympic curler that there would be for more popular events. You really should be making the trip to Socchi in 2014. But we have a few minor issues first.

Hopefully you still have money from your summer jobs bagging groceries or whatever kids these days do. A curling brush runs from $69-$149 CAD and, since we do not want you slipping all over the ice, shoes run from $130-$249 CAD.

In addition, we are trying to accomplish great things here, so you should also get a $45 CAD strategy board as well.

Obviously, Canada is the hotbed of this sport, so you are going to have to move. I know it is a lot to ask, but as we are making you an Olympian here, I think it is worth the trouble. Anyway, the move will also run up some kind of bill.

At this point you already have more hope than Fordham basketball, but we are aspiring to more here.

After you train for a year or two for the great Canadian drinking game, you should be ready to go.

It is just a matter of mindset and philosophy that may be holding you back.

Not the kind of philosophy that you will receive from Aristotle though; more along the lines of New Jersey Devils coach Jacques Lemaire.

My curling experience (watching bits and pieces of this year’s Olympics) leads me to believe that this sport is designed to be a slow, defensive battle.

Granted this is not hockey, but no one knows how to make your style as boring and low-scoring as possible like Lemaire.

As far as the mindset goes, we will need you to be mentally tough.

After watching Mike O’Malley-wannabe John Shuster blow match after match and the Danish girl mentally fold due to crowd noise, it has occurred to me that you should probably be mentally tough.

In order to achieve this, I feel like there is only one answer and, like most of life’s mysteries, it can be found in Rocky III.

If you remember correctly, Rocky was becoming mentally soft. He was not mentally capable of taking on the pugnacious Clubber Lang.

After Apollo Creed took him to a tough section of Los Angeles, he remembered his roots and where he came from, and was ready to take back the title.

So after you have studied under the wise Canadians and learned your craft, you will be forced to live more than a few blocks away from the Rose Hill campus.

You may end up making frequent appearances in the Fordham security alerts, but it will all be for the better.

The next step is to acquire dual citizenship. Naturally, you are going to be South America’s great curling hope.

If Mike Piazza can represent Italy in the World Baseball Classic, I think you will be able to represent some other random country with no business in this sport.

As a society, we have already rallied around a Jamaican bobsled team. Now it is time to get behind a Columbian curling crew.

So now, I’ll ask you, do you think you can be an Olympic athlete?

If the answer isn’t a resounding “Yes,” you’re just not trying hard enough.

Through my hard work and calculations, I have decided you should be ready to compete, if not take home the gold, by 2014 in Russia and if not, at least you can proudly claim to be a part of the .000048 percent of Americans who have curled in their lives.